it's been too long.

I have now decided I will be posting to the girl and the robot frequently. Which means all my ramblings, thoughts, etc. will be posted to that blog, and this will become a site for my finished pieces - my essays, my stories, my photos, and my "collections". So that will be all words, and this will become a vault for my creative pieces.

No need to update anyone on the events that happened this weekend - they can remain within my memory, and if not, shows how significant they must have been. I just don't know where to head from here. "One year older, but sure as hell not wiser."

I am now seventeen.

my playlist.

10 Mile Stereo - Beach House
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Biko - Bloc Party
The Unforgiven III - Metallica
The Dolphins Cry - Live
Look After You - The Fray
Sea Out - The Guillemots
May Angels Lead You In - Jimmy Eat World
Broken Wings - Flyleaf
I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
Love Me Tender - Norah Jones
The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
Lightning Crashes - Live
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5

thanks to him.

I no longer know how I feel, or what to think. I lose all my inhibitions and sense of direction. My self control is slipping, slipping, slipping away. My perception of right and wrong becomes skewed. My thoughts flutter at a million miles an hour. I have flashbacks of the worst thing that happened to me. I feel sublimely happy yet sickeningly confused at the same time. I am beginning to develop a sense of guilt. I find it impossible to justify my actions, yet my actions become impossible to control. I cannot explain a single thing to do with this situation. My mood swings are out of whack. I've become delerious, illiterate, a fool. I don't know what to say anymore.

a new chapter.

the girl and the robot.




I will still be posting to this blog frequently. Right now I just need a change of scenery.

proverbs 7:6-9.

For at the window of my house
I looked out through my lattice,
and I saw among the simple ones,
I observed among the youths,
a young man without sense,
passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness.

10 mile stereo.

The heart is a stone and this is a stone that we throw
Put your hand on this stone, it's the stone of a home you know
They say we'll go far, but they don't know how far we'll go
With our legs on the edge and our feet on the horizon

They say we can throw far but they don't know how far we throw
With our legs on the edge, and our feet on the horizon
The heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw
They say we will go far, but they don't know how far we'll go

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we heard it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Tear a moment from the days that carry us on forever

This push and pull is the force of a wave of time
In the heat of the night, we would cry, you are not mine
They said we would go far, but they don't know how far we'd go
'Cause this heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carry us on forever

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carries on forever

the dolphin's cry.

I've never been so confused by my feelings in my entire life. Right now I feel like a mixing pot for all these different emotions and everything has suddenly become lost in translation. Which do I choose from - which would be the easier road ?

On one hand, it's ancient history repeating itself. Though I swore I'd never follow down that path again, I feel so helpless and powerless in my attempt to break away from the connection - it's almost like a magnetic force. We have both agreed that there will always be something between us. The timing is so wrong, the circumstances are even worse, and the way I may feel - or may not feel - makes everything so much harder to read. It's almost impossible to reach a conclusion or decision...for the both of us.

On the other hand, there's my comfort zone - otherwise known as the downfall of my adolescent life. Though I know him inside out, the atrocities and hurt he has caused by his reckless attitude and thoughtless actions is simply indescribable, almost unspeakable. He makes me literally sick to my stomach just thinking about the things he has said and done and yet, I find it absolutely impossble to break away from him and everything he is. I may not know how I feel about him, I may not be able to sum it up with any amount of words, but I do know I feel a solid foundation for everything he is to me; love. I hate him more than anyone can comprehend, yet I love him more than anyone can really understand, for reasons beyond myself. He is the reason to so many wrongs [and a possible right here or there] in my life. He is a massive chunk in my heart, and a massive chapter in my life. He is IT.

Oh, I've also decided to base my entire studio art folio on Alice in Wonderland, so I'll be uploading a few pieces.

letters.

October 2009 - February 2010.

"I would give anything to take it all back but I know I can't now and I'm trying to fight it so hard...he legit makes me sick."

"I can't sit there and say 'well then I know he's not worth it', he's worth every second."

"He owns my heart, that bastard, and I'm pretty sure he watched it break right in front of him more than once...fuck it."

"I seriously just want to hit him and kick him and scream and just be like 'JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME ?' Coz seriously...there's little else I have to give him, he has it all."

"...I don't want revenge man, I want answers. And if I die tomorrow and he still hasn't given me an answer, then so be it. I realized all I can really do is wait."

"Half of me does want to tell him so then he can see how everything he's put me through has affected me and shit, but half of me doesn't just out of sheer fear that he won't care...I was with his sister just before, and we were talking about him...and she said he just goes through phases with girls and he's the biggest heartbreaker out - I had the biggest urge to tell her how well I know that and how much he's broken mine. I can't move on even though I know for a fact there won't be another encounter, I still sit and wait for him to come back for some unknown reason, I have false hope and belief. I know I deserve better but I don't think that...he's destroying me completely."

"...and I want nothing to do with him unless it's unpleasant on his part, the end."

"...I currently hate him for the mere fact that I appear to no longer exist in his life and I can't take it anymore, he makes me hyperventilate he makes me so angry. No angry is an understatement...BLIND WITH FURY STILL DOESN'T DO THE WAY I'M FEELING ANY JUSTICE. And the worst part is I can't even so much as look at another guy because I'm so fixated on him even though I'm nothing to him, and I compare everyone to him and nobody comes so much as a smidgen close...I hate him I hate him I hate him."

"...and when he kissed me goodbye and held me for so long...that was honestly the happiest I'd been in a long while...every time he leaves I think the same thing, that he's going to turn back...and he never does."

"I feel empty. I feel like he's taken everything away from me, that he took advantage of the fact that I let down my wall for him and that I allowed him in; I feel inadequate as if I wasn't good enough for him, although I have everyone around me telling me "you're too good for him, you deserve better"; and I feel so, so alone."

miss you love.

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people
Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you, love.

one year later.

RIP ALLEM HALKIC. ♥

dreaded february.

So it's been a while since I last posted on this thing. Safe to say I am not in a good place, no where near. With the much-anticipated return to school, the prospect of growing older looming just around the corner, my world falling in tatters around my feet and the ghastly weather - to be honest, I'd much rather just sleep for the next month or so and ignore anything and everything that could, would, should happen. I'd rather just sleep.

They say "family is everything, family is all you have" - well I'd much rather believe that "you cannot pick your family." Because it's true, if I had the choice, I could not have picked a better mother, and I would not have picked a worse father. And I should have made it clearer that I wanted not a single sibling when I was two years old. Now I'm stuck in the middle of an endless war, and I'm being thrown into the battlefield and forced to endure all the bullets that hit me and take it all standing up. I am so sick and tired of constantly having to play the role of the adult when there are actual adults present - just because my maturity levels supersede yours does not give you the right to make me exercise my brain trying to manipulate a situation that your immaturity and childishness so aptly places us in.

They also say "love is bliss." HA, how I would love to beg to differ. If anything, I've learned that love is the furthest thing from bliss. If love truly were bliss, would I be writing this post ? Would I be racking my brain out trying to find the words to express the utter emptiness I feel that I cannot carry out a conversation with my closest friends; the pain that keeps me awake every single night until 3am when I realize my phone will not receive a text message from you; the confusion that keeps me questioning to the point where I lose track of everything, from class work to a simple conversation; and the hope, the sheer hope, that you will come to your senses and return home...would any of this be happening, if I were in a state of bliss ? Did you ever really make me sublimely happy, did you ever really shut me off from the outside world, did you ever really do me any favours before so innevitably and cruelly breaking my heart ?

And of course, the endless and timeless question - did you ever really cherish my heart ?

Because let's face it, you cannot argue that we had NOTHING. If it were truly nothing, and if I truly meant nothing...if you meant your every word you would have never returned in the first place. All I want to know is, why me ? Why did I have to fall so deeply into this hole that the prospect of ever escaping seems somewhat impossible ? Why do you hold on to me so tightly, why does the idea of you still warm my heart, why does it feel like every time you leave I go numb because I feel like there's nothing left to feel until you come back...what about when you don't come back ? What am I supposed to do then ?

Why can you not answer any single one of my questions...

Why won't you admit it - that you love me back ?