gone.

where i live now.

one hundredth.

It's such a lonely existence with you.

"And let our bodies intertwine, but darling understand - that everything, everything ends."

other half.

My light, my support, my shoulder, my piece to the puzzle, my all.

If I could express to you the love I hold in my heart for you, or measure the respect I feel every time I look at you, believe me I would. But as that is near impossible, I want to thank you. You have picked me up every time I have fallen over, dusted me off and assisted me to walk along. You have influenced my choices, made me think twice before I make a regrettable decision and made me take a closer look at the true fortune I have gained in the people I surround myself with. You say you cannot feel my pain - I would never, never inflict that upon you, however I know that with every step I take and every time I break a part of you bleeds with me. I wish I could make things better for the both of us, but we both know that these things take time before they can take the true course they need to take. After everything we have seen and everything we know, our tears and laughter, our anger, our sadness and our happiness; I can do nothing but carry you when your legs are numb, hold you up when your knees are weak, and steady you when the ground shakes. Together we will continue to learn, with every thing you and I undertake and overcome. Together we will become bigger and better with every day that passes us by. Together we will "conquer it all". You own my heart - I adore you.


We will see better days, I promise. ♥

insert title here.

When will the road end ?
My limbs have grown weary from carrying my torso.
My heart feels as if it were a dead weight,
hanging from a string from my rib in my chest.
I cannot shake the thought of you.
I calm my heightened senses,
they try to steal me away into the night,
playing with my thoughts, wrestling with my common sense.
Whispering to me in the night
The thought of a new ending to an
Endless beginning.

it's been too long.

I have now decided I will be posting to the girl and the robot frequently. Which means all my ramblings, thoughts, etc. will be posted to that blog, and this will become a site for my finished pieces - my essays, my stories, my photos, and my "collections". So that will be all words, and this will become a vault for my creative pieces.

No need to update anyone on the events that happened this weekend - they can remain within my memory, and if not, shows how significant they must have been. I just don't know where to head from here. "One year older, but sure as hell not wiser."

I am now seventeen.

my playlist.

10 Mile Stereo - Beach House
The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Biko - Bloc Party
The Unforgiven III - Metallica
The Dolphins Cry - Live
Look After You - The Fray
Sea Out - The Guillemots
May Angels Lead You In - Jimmy Eat World
Broken Wings - Flyleaf
I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
Love Me Tender - Norah Jones
The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice
Lightning Crashes - Live
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5

thanks to him.

I no longer know how I feel, or what to think. I lose all my inhibitions and sense of direction. My self control is slipping, slipping, slipping away. My perception of right and wrong becomes skewed. My thoughts flutter at a million miles an hour. I have flashbacks of the worst thing that happened to me. I feel sublimely happy yet sickeningly confused at the same time. I am beginning to develop a sense of guilt. I find it impossible to justify my actions, yet my actions become impossible to control. I cannot explain a single thing to do with this situation. My mood swings are out of whack. I've become delerious, illiterate, a fool. I don't know what to say anymore.

a new chapter.

the girl and the robot.




I will still be posting to this blog frequently. Right now I just need a change of scenery.

proverbs 7:6-9.

For at the window of my house
I looked out through my lattice,
and I saw among the simple ones,
I observed among the youths,
a young man without sense,
passing along the street near her corner,
taking the road to her house
in the twilight, in the evening,
at the time of night and darkness.

10 mile stereo.

The heart is a stone and this is a stone that we throw
Put your hand on this stone, it's the stone of a home you know
They say we'll go far, but they don't know how far we'll go
With our legs on the edge and our feet on the horizon

They say we can throw far but they don't know how far we throw
With our legs on the edge, and our feet on the horizon
The heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw
They say we will go far, but they don't know how far we'll go

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we heard it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Tear a moment from the days that carry us on forever

This push and pull is the force of a wave of time
In the heat of the night, we would cry, you are not mine
They said we would go far, but they don't know how far we'd go
'Cause this heart is a stone, and this is a stone that we throw

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carry us on forever

It can't be gone, we're still right here
It took so long, can't say we felt it all
Limbs parallel, we stood so long we fell
Love's like a pantheon, it carries on forever

the dolphin's cry.

I've never been so confused by my feelings in my entire life. Right now I feel like a mixing pot for all these different emotions and everything has suddenly become lost in translation. Which do I choose from - which would be the easier road ?

On one hand, it's ancient history repeating itself. Though I swore I'd never follow down that path again, I feel so helpless and powerless in my attempt to break away from the connection - it's almost like a magnetic force. We have both agreed that there will always be something between us. The timing is so wrong, the circumstances are even worse, and the way I may feel - or may not feel - makes everything so much harder to read. It's almost impossible to reach a conclusion or decision...for the both of us.

On the other hand, there's my comfort zone - otherwise known as the downfall of my adolescent life. Though I know him inside out, the atrocities and hurt he has caused by his reckless attitude and thoughtless actions is simply indescribable, almost unspeakable. He makes me literally sick to my stomach just thinking about the things he has said and done and yet, I find it absolutely impossble to break away from him and everything he is. I may not know how I feel about him, I may not be able to sum it up with any amount of words, but I do know I feel a solid foundation for everything he is to me; love. I hate him more than anyone can comprehend, yet I love him more than anyone can really understand, for reasons beyond myself. He is the reason to so many wrongs [and a possible right here or there] in my life. He is a massive chunk in my heart, and a massive chapter in my life. He is IT.

Oh, I've also decided to base my entire studio art folio on Alice in Wonderland, so I'll be uploading a few pieces.

letters.

October 2009 - February 2010.

"I would give anything to take it all back but I know I can't now and I'm trying to fight it so hard...he legit makes me sick."

"I can't sit there and say 'well then I know he's not worth it', he's worth every second."

"He owns my heart, that bastard, and I'm pretty sure he watched it break right in front of him more than once...fuck it."

"I seriously just want to hit him and kick him and scream and just be like 'JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME ?' Coz seriously...there's little else I have to give him, he has it all."

"...I don't want revenge man, I want answers. And if I die tomorrow and he still hasn't given me an answer, then so be it. I realized all I can really do is wait."

"Half of me does want to tell him so then he can see how everything he's put me through has affected me and shit, but half of me doesn't just out of sheer fear that he won't care...I was with his sister just before, and we were talking about him...and she said he just goes through phases with girls and he's the biggest heartbreaker out - I had the biggest urge to tell her how well I know that and how much he's broken mine. I can't move on even though I know for a fact there won't be another encounter, I still sit and wait for him to come back for some unknown reason, I have false hope and belief. I know I deserve better but I don't think that...he's destroying me completely."

"...and I want nothing to do with him unless it's unpleasant on his part, the end."

"...I currently hate him for the mere fact that I appear to no longer exist in his life and I can't take it anymore, he makes me hyperventilate he makes me so angry. No angry is an understatement...BLIND WITH FURY STILL DOESN'T DO THE WAY I'M FEELING ANY JUSTICE. And the worst part is I can't even so much as look at another guy because I'm so fixated on him even though I'm nothing to him, and I compare everyone to him and nobody comes so much as a smidgen close...I hate him I hate him I hate him."

"...and when he kissed me goodbye and held me for so long...that was honestly the happiest I'd been in a long while...every time he leaves I think the same thing, that he's going to turn back...and he never does."

"I feel empty. I feel like he's taken everything away from me, that he took advantage of the fact that I let down my wall for him and that I allowed him in; I feel inadequate as if I wasn't good enough for him, although I have everyone around me telling me "you're too good for him, you deserve better"; and I feel so, so alone."

miss you love.

I'm not, not sure
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people
Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you, love.

one year later.

RIP ALLEM HALKIC. ♥

dreaded february.

So it's been a while since I last posted on this thing. Safe to say I am not in a good place, no where near. With the much-anticipated return to school, the prospect of growing older looming just around the corner, my world falling in tatters around my feet and the ghastly weather - to be honest, I'd much rather just sleep for the next month or so and ignore anything and everything that could, would, should happen. I'd rather just sleep.

They say "family is everything, family is all you have" - well I'd much rather believe that "you cannot pick your family." Because it's true, if I had the choice, I could not have picked a better mother, and I would not have picked a worse father. And I should have made it clearer that I wanted not a single sibling when I was two years old. Now I'm stuck in the middle of an endless war, and I'm being thrown into the battlefield and forced to endure all the bullets that hit me and take it all standing up. I am so sick and tired of constantly having to play the role of the adult when there are actual adults present - just because my maturity levels supersede yours does not give you the right to make me exercise my brain trying to manipulate a situation that your immaturity and childishness so aptly places us in.

They also say "love is bliss." HA, how I would love to beg to differ. If anything, I've learned that love is the furthest thing from bliss. If love truly were bliss, would I be writing this post ? Would I be racking my brain out trying to find the words to express the utter emptiness I feel that I cannot carry out a conversation with my closest friends; the pain that keeps me awake every single night until 3am when I realize my phone will not receive a text message from you; the confusion that keeps me questioning to the point where I lose track of everything, from class work to a simple conversation; and the hope, the sheer hope, that you will come to your senses and return home...would any of this be happening, if I were in a state of bliss ? Did you ever really make me sublimely happy, did you ever really shut me off from the outside world, did you ever really do me any favours before so innevitably and cruelly breaking my heart ?

And of course, the endless and timeless question - did you ever really cherish my heart ?

Because let's face it, you cannot argue that we had NOTHING. If it were truly nothing, and if I truly meant nothing...if you meant your every word you would have never returned in the first place. All I want to know is, why me ? Why did I have to fall so deeply into this hole that the prospect of ever escaping seems somewhat impossible ? Why do you hold on to me so tightly, why does the idea of you still warm my heart, why does it feel like every time you leave I go numb because I feel like there's nothing left to feel until you come back...what about when you don't come back ? What am I supposed to do then ?

Why can you not answer any single one of my questions...

Why won't you admit it - that you love me back ?

hungover.

in every way - mentally, physically, emotionally.

i am so done.

if the other half is reading this, i love you.

return of the mack.

Been a while since I last posted, but nothing really new to report other than my latest conquests.

Been with the big sister basically everyday, tonight adventure with her and the other half hopefully, and tomorrow a road trip to Ocean Grove to see my girls. Dreading school after about six months off and I still don't know what I'm doing with the rest of the year, let's just hope it's better than the last.

Switched from Marlboro Reds back to Dunhill Reds and I'm considering switching to PJ Blues for a while, more bang for your buck plus they're not as heavy.

prime.

I have a new feeling of self worth, and the revenge plan is in place, and man does it feel good.

sunny side up.

A revenge plan, a trip to Savers tomorrow, my phone finally connected to my shitty laptop, a belly full of pizza, a visit paid to Allem today, a new deck, an idea for a hairstyle, and insane motivation - although my rage and fury are about to cause a spontaneous human combustion, I must say, things may finally be lookin' up.

Although it's probably way too early to speak.
And although by saying so I probably jinxed it all.

mission accomplished.

I just achieved my life goal, if you know me well enough you should know what that is.

moving mountains.

Not exactly, we just found ourselves at the base of a really fuckin' big one.

And how we're going to get past, I don't know.

You will come back, you always come back. You are a liar and a heartbreaker and you're going to come back because you always come back.

pashy.

The main culprit from last night's adventures.

From what was supposed to be a harmless, innocent quiet night turned into a rowdy as piss up. I threw up three times [the sad thing was, not because of alcohol], we yelled at randoms in Williamstown, I wore a cowboy hat to Maccas in A North and saw the guy I've had my eye on for quiet some time...whilst wearing a cowboy hat, Sez drove under the influence here and crashed in my bed, tension between the boys grew, we drove around half the night looking for a goddamn bottle shop that was actually open, I poked the shit out of Mo, Jonny and I got into an argument about Hitler, I continuously lost my deck and the NIIICCCKKKKK jokes kept on coming. I wish I had photos but my camera's dead and I was just toooo drunk to give a fuck.

However it didn't change the way I feel at all, although it was good to see everyone and actually be around people, I woke up in a shitty as mood again today and it's going to be another one of those days. Such a shame, I could have gone to a party tonight and looked my best...instead I'll stay in bed away from the heat and the people and the questions and that asshole.

the pick-me-up.

the agony.

This hole that you put me in, wasn't deep enough, and I'm climbing out right now. You're running out of places to hide from me.When you go, just know that I will remember you. If living was the hardest part, we'll then one day be together. And in the end we'll fall apart, just like the leaves changing colours, and then I will be with you. I will be there one last time now. When you go, just know that I will remember you. I lost my fear of falling. I will be with you, I will be with you.

closure ?

I wrote the letter.

That's about it.

cracked.

Why, why, why did I have to see you tonight - you've broken me.

four days.

Until I see my darling Pamela Belardo again.

Yesterday was so all over the place, I loved it.

Started off with me walking out of the shower to find Diana and Natski in my house. We watched Gossip Girl [they use me well] and went down to Pier Street for lunch, where D was stalking out these guys and they knew and kept staring at her. We got ice cream and sat on the pier. This guy was singing literally at the top of his lungs so we filmed him, then headed home because life is boring.

They made me watch I Know What You Did Last Summer which is possibly one of the shittest horror movies ever. Martin and Christos randomly rocked up just as I received a text inviting me to Willi for a piss up. Once D and Natski left there was nothing else to do so we headed over to Willi. Had a mad d&m with Jake Rogers and another with Diana [Jordan's leading lady] and talked shit with Gez as per usual.

That got boring after a few drinks so we all piled into the cars [four cars to be exact] and headed down to Lavo Maccas. We all forgot that Lavo Maccas is closed from the inside at night so I got the bright idea to head to A North and eat there. So we went and filled an entire table with our asses and Maccas shit. Lana and Kath were there and they kicked back with us for a bit, shit talking and laughing at Christos.

After that we went to Jonny's and watched the boys play COD. Jonny and I looked up funny videos on the internet. Went for a drive with Jonny to drop everyone off, mad d&m around the block then came home to call the other half and big sister as they're ballbreakers and I always come home late.

Today Phil, Dean, Tom and the other half have visited me so far, the other half took my Sex & The City, still waiting for the big sister and possibly a guest appearance by Shelbs. Scored an invite with the boys to Pier Street later, might take D with me, who the fuck even knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws.\

Left meeeeeeee brokennnnnnnnnn.

broken hearted girls.

So last night we decided to hvave a chilled night, complete with the greatest steak ever tasted compliments of the chef. Only it wasn't so chilled when the big sister came with some big news and four of us headed over to the airport where we elaborated on our broken hearts and ate excessive amounts of Maccas. Of course the airport, the love of my life's favourite place. Upon arrival at home I discovered a house full of people and Hungry Jacks. The events that occurred next are somewhat a blur as my rage and sleep deprivation overclouded my common sense, but I think it goes something like:

- Pineapple Express
- X-Ray Cat
- Shirtless runs down Balaclava
- My camera and notepad full of ridiculous crap
- More Hungry Jacks
- Weed cameras
- Wedgies
- Skinned knees
- Fighting over Hades
- Funny Youtube videos
- Watching the sunrise


And of course. Bawling my eyes out to the other half.

unhappy old year.

Well my night was positively tragic.
I really cannot be bothered telling the entire story, so here are some highlights.

The drinking game when everyone found out my deepest, darkest secret and will not let me live it down. Fuck, you learn a lot about people by playing drinking games.

Arriving at Lavo station and cheering at all these randoms, getting pumped. Then we cheered and made friends with all these Indians who talked to us about cricket and whatever. Some drunk bogan came over to us asking for a lighter and would not leave us until we got off at Newport.

On the train, the entire carriage we were on was dressed in white - junkies going to Sensations. Their pupils were bigger than their eyes. I discovered my new boyfriend on the train. Philip befriended some Maoris on the other carriage and somehow indirectly started a fight on the train, which led to our whole carriage chanting "AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, OI OI OI !" The guy behind me agreed with me when I said "Stop the violence, I just want a fucking cigarette !" Good friendships were made on that train.

Newport station, Gez flipped off an entire train of people, including children, not expecting them to ALL get off the train.

I ripped out a jumper from my bag and Gez put a plastic bag on her head in an attempt to protect our hair. Didn't work according to plan.

On the way home in the taxi we tried to bribe the taxi driver to let us overload with five passengers and he wouldn't take it so Tom ran home, in storm weather. What a trooper.

Sitting outside with Phil having a d&m and a ciggie, these pill poppers came up to my house asking if some random lived here. I said no, I lived here now. We had a grand conversation and now I'm best friends with my neighbour, his girlfriend, an Irish guy and a cage fighter. They kept leaving and coming back and speaking to us, and I gave them all orange juice because I was scared they'd dehydrate and die.

"Woah man, look at how white that kitty's paws are !"
"I'm a carpenter, and I built a pool. It's only from about here to your front door and it's made out of wood and it's only about this deep -points at shin- but if there's not many of you, I was gonna say, I know it's cold and all but if you have nothing better to do you can come and sit in my pool."

"You are coming over and we are getting blind, because we are neighbours and new friends and we are getting drunk together. I probably won't remember but just come over anyway because chances are I'll already be drunk."

"Where is the music...why is there no music...I want to DANCE."

And et cetera.














Goodbye and good riddance.