Now I'm sitting in silence writing this blog. Hades is asleep on my bed and Fred has gone to Simon's to cook roast lamb because our oven is shit. I'm not sure what to do now, but for the next few minutes at least, I'm quite content just sitting here and writing down my thoughts.
1. Donnie - the love of my life, he really is. And while the big sister believes that I can fall for someone even more, I highly doubt that, and although she has felt these exact feelings for the exact same person anymore I feel as though we cannot relate. He is the one that I got OVER who I thought was the love of my life at the time, and now there is no one else, and nobody can compare. True, he does do this to plenty of other girls, but from what I've been told I've been the worst affected. And yes, she did tell me that someday he will get his turn and get hurt, but as I said, what kills me is to know that the person who hurts him will not be me. I am willing to put all the money I have ever collected in my life on that [and believe me, that's a lot]. She believes I may have a shot in hell. I must disagree. It kills me to disagree.
2. That asshole I call my father - most likely to have another child. I refuse to identify that child at my half sibling. Indeed, the child has done nothing, but how is it punishment to the child if from birth I refuse to be a part of its life - it will never know any different ? Besides, it's not like I have very much contact with that side of the family as it is, I don't even speak to my father. The last thing we'd all want is the prodigal daughter stepping in and causing a scene over her father and "step mother's" new found happiness. Rather disown it from the beginning, less of an effort.
3. Chuck Bass - if only there were more men like him in the world. He is perfection [apart from the fact that he doesn't wax his chest - deal breaker]. Yes, he is an asshole, and yes he plays his little mind games, but he falls for the girl and does everything in his power to avoid hurting her directly and to make her happy. The closest I've found to a male who embodies this, has not found that girl yet. It kills me to think that girl will never be me.
4. Cigarettes - I need a new deck. I've been smoking less because I've been around family. Now that the silly season is over [or more correctly, the ridiculous season] watch my lungs rot to nothing but a black mass in my ribs.
5. My room - I should probably clean it and hang up my Christmas present.
6. Fred - the best mother in the world. I cannot apologize to her enough for the damage I've caused and for the wrong things I've done and for everything I've put her through. I cannot thank her enough for my amazing Christmas present, for everything she does for me, for the way she treats me like an adult but a child when I need it, for the way she steers me in the right direction even when I lose my way, for the way she never loses faith or trust in me even after I've proved to her I don't even deserve it, and for being my best friend in the world and the only person I'll ever depend on.
7. Hades - is really cute right now.
8. Cupboard doors - really should consider putting them back on my cupboard.
9. Summer clothes - man I need to go shopping, I need to find a way to pay for these things I need to go shopping for first. So out of dosh it's not even funny anymore. Cutting down smoking [NOT QUITTING] to about a deck a week instead of almost a deck a day, and I might consider getting a job just until I have enough to pay off everything I want. Or I could just visit the Greeks and take their kesh money.
10. My wardrobe - is actually becoming quite respectable. Photos when it's done.
